Monster Munch

Monster Munch (2000)

This is a bit of a long poem, but it tells an oh-so-exciting story. Although it says 2000 there, I reckon that most of it was written in about 1998, with the help of my friend Emma. Umm.. it's all a bit strange, but it rhymes. That's always good, right? Oh well, ENJOY!

Long, long ago,
In a far away place,
Lived a young witch
With a hideous face.

Winifred Jones
Was the name of this witch,
She rode not on a broom,
But a vacuum named Mitch.

At the age of two hundred,
Quite young for her type,
She met a mad genie
Who talked loads of tripe.

"There is a cave,"
The genie said,
"And all of its visitors
End up dead!"

"Of course they do!"
Cried Winnie the witch.
"I totally agree!"
Agreed Vacuum Mitch.

"How do you know?"
The genie asked.
"My mother told me,
A hundred years past!"

The genie sighed,
"Oh well," he said.
"But do you know how
They end up dead?"

Winifred thought,
"No," she replied,
"I don't know how
Those people died."

"So tell us please,"
The vacuum asked.
"I wanna know,
I wanna know fast!"

"OK, hold your horses!"
The genie replied,
"Sit down, have a cuppa,
Enjoy the ride!"

"A long time ago,
In centuries past,
A prince galloped by
On a horse, very fast!

"He was rather cold,
Hungry and tired.
He had had a job
But he'd just been fired.

"He had run away;
He was so ashamed
The kingdom he'd lived in
Was not a place for unemployment!

"He entered a cave
Though he didn't mean to intrude
He knew someone lived there
For reasons quite rude!

" 'Is anyone there?'
The prince did yell,
'Sorry I didn't knock
And there isn't a bell.'

"A horrible creature
Stepped out of the gloom
'What are you doing
In my living room?!'

" 'Oh sorry, oh nothing,
Don't worry I'll go!'
But the monster stepped forward
And lent very low

"And said 'NO'.

"At this point indeed
The prince knew he was dead
And yes, he was right,
Monster blew off his head.

"A monster, you see,
That is armed with a gun,
Is extremely dangerous
And not really much fun!

"A few months later,
A young lad named Dave

Just happened to be at

That very same cave.

"What happened is predictable,

As I've told you it before,

(His head was blown clean off his neck

When he stepped foot through the door.)

"A series of these incidents

Have happened a lot since then,

There was Carl, Rob and Tim,

Tracy, Luke and Ben.

''To name just a few!"

"That's awful!" cried Winnie,

"That monster ain't good!

He should be locked away

And given no fud!"

"That's just the beginning!"

The genie replied,

"There is another reason

Why those people died.

"Monster had babies,

Four, to be precise.

They do not shoot

They prefer to slice!

"So when young Sam

Entered this den,

He was cut into nine pieces

Or maybe ten!

"The slaughters kept on coming

When told to go, people would balk

So, in the end, they knew that

With the monsters they had to talk.

"A stupid young fool

Said he would go.

(He was almost broke

So he needed the dough.)

"Fool left the kingdom

To visit the cave

But he had to return -

He'd forgotten to shave!

'The king wasn't happy,

And sent Fool again

And so the daft man

Arrived at the den

" 'Hello! Hello!

Is anyone there?'

The silence was eerie

And raised his neck hair.

" 'Come in' growled a voice.

Fool did so, mumbling.

'I need to talk,' he said

'And my stomach's rumbling!'

"With Fool's knees

All a-quiver

Monster said,

'You're my dinner!'

"Fool stood his ground.

'No way,' he said.

'Talk to me now,

Or you'll end up dead!'

Baby monster,

As this was,

Was scared,

But said, 'because..?'

" 'Because you have caused pain

In humankind's heart.

Why are you doing this -

Why are you tearing people apart?'

"Baby monster sat down

And started to confess.

'It all started,' he said,

'When grandmamma played chess.'

" 'Chess?' Fool repeated.

Monsterlet nodded.

'She bought a magiked

Chess board from Clodded (Ltd.)'

" 'The man who sold it,

Wilfred Jones,

Said it was good,

It weren't, it were bones!*

*bones = 'evil' in Monstery language!

'' 'Granny took it back,

She was filled with dread,' "

Here the genie paused,

" 'Wilfred blamed his granddaughter, Winifred!' ''

Winnie gasped!

Now she was filled with dread.

She gathered her nerve's,

"Continue,'' she said.

"Baby monster

Told the fool

How the chessboard was bones,

Evil and cruel."

"Hold it right there!"

Winifred cried.

"Why's it my fault?"

Genie sighed.

"When you were younger,

Much younger than now,

You went through a bones time

And murdered Mr Clodd's cow!"

"A cow you say!!"

Winnie was mystified.

"Mr Clodd was very upset,"

Genie replied.

"He put a curse

On the chessboard

And when you play on it...

Oh dear, oh Lord!!

"I suppose I must tell you,

But it's a chessplayers nightmare,

The pieces, they all come to life

And make you lose - it's not fair!"

"Is that all?"

Winnie did ask.

"What about t'monsters

And their dastardly task?"

"If you hadn't interrupted,"

The genie retorted,

"You'll find the answer

Is in what Monsterlet reported!

" 'Granny was now angry,

With all of humankind

"The stupidest animals

You could ever find"

" 'She set up war

Between you and we,

Everyone who visited

Was killed, you see.'

" 'What about me?"

Fool did say.

'I think I'll kill you

Another day.'

"Unfortunately,

Monsterlet was wrong,

Mummy monster entered and

Silly Fool was gone."

Winifred sighed

And thought about the story.

"Mum told me her version,

And it was much less gory!"

Genie looked wary,

"Go on," he said.

"Infact," said Winnie,

"That's not why they are dead!"

"They enter the cave

And it is kinda maze-y

They walk around in circles

Until they go crazy.

"They lie down,

And die in their sleep

When they never return

Their families all weep.

''I have never heard

The monster theory before

Have you, Mitch?"

Mitch thought quickly, "naw."

Winifred Jones turned

So she could face the genie,

But he had gone,

Utterly and completely!

That very genie

Was never seen again

But Winnie's story

Will never quite be the same!

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